Hijos
del Altísimo (Children of the Most High) - http://www.altisimo.net -
"See, I will send you the prophet Elijah before that great and dreadful day of the LORD comes. He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers; or else I will come and strike the land with a curse." (Malachi 4:5-6)
For all of us, the family was the first structure of authority
we were exposed to. The family is also the major influence in
those decisive early years of life. Therefore, it is the
institution which leaves the deepest impressions in our
personality. Especially our concept and attitude towards
authority is basically shaped in the family, and transmitted from
one generation to the next one. But also the deepest wounds in
our lives are generally those which originate in our childhood
and family. A dysfunctional family is not only a temporal
circumstance, it is a constant pressure which causes lifelong
emotional deformities.
Furthermore, the family is the basic cell of society. So the
problems and dysfunctions of society are reflected in the family,
and the dysfunctions of families are projected into society. A
"sufficient" number of dysfunctional families causes
the entire society to turn dysfunctional.
This influence is so insidious we generally do not notice it.
A child who grows up in a dysfunctional family, generally does
not perceive his or her family as dysfunctional.
D. Jim Conway, in a conference about family problems, explained
this phenomenon with an illustration: Once they
"adopted" in their family a little bird which had
fallen out of the nest. This bird grew with them until they
decided it was time for the bird to learn to fly. They threw the
bird into the air until he could fly several meters. But the bird
never flew on his own! When they walked on the street, the bird
walked and jumped beside them, but never flew. Why? - The bird
had adopted humans as his "parents", and never saw them
fly. So he did just what they did, although he was perfectly able
to fly.
Children who grew up in a dysfunctional family have the same
problem. God created them to "fly" emotionally, but the
example of their parents teaches them to only walk and limp. They
believe life is like that, and all families in the world are like
this. As adults, they marry an equally dysfunctional mate, and
the circle starts over again.
When thinking about the Peruvian family, I find a strange contradiction. Publicly, the values and virtues of the family are exalted, Mother's Day and Father's Day are enthusiastically celebrated, and many people maintain close relationships with a large number of uncles and aunts, cousins, nephews and nieces, and other relatives. But when looking nearer, we find very few children who enjoy the privilege of being educated by their own father and mother. (In the groups of children and teenagers I work with, generally less than half of them live together with both of their parents. And these are groups within Christian churches!) Most of the children live with their single mother, or with their grandparents or uncles, or spend the whole day with a servant girl, or have to get along alone while their parents are absent the whole day long. Also, relationships within families are not as harmonious as it seems. Certain aspects of family life resemble more the relationship between conquerors and conquered people. (We will explain this later.)
There may exist different definitions of a dysfunctional
family. But from a Christian standpoint, we must describe a
family as dysfunctional when their members do not assume the role
God has provided for them. It is God who invented the family, so
we have to consult him in order to know what a healthy family is.
Summarizing, we find the following principles:
In this whole teaching, we find a balance between rights and duties. Every member of the family has both rights and duties. The Biblical teaching leaves no room for the kind of authoritarianism, machism, or overprotection, which prevails in many Peruvian families.
Obviously, the Biblical principles require a lot of every family member. In fact, it is impossible to fulfill these principles on our own. We need God's help in order to build a family. He is the source of love and authority in a family, and we must learn to drink constantly from this source. If the husband expects from his wife, or the wife from her husband, that he or she will "make him or her happy" and will satisfy all his or her emotional needs, then they introduce dysfunctional patterns which make both of them unhappy. It is even worse when parents expect from their children to make them happy or to help them resolve their marriage problems!
If one member of the family departs from God's healthy
purpose, all other members need to adjust and compensate. As a
result, the whole family becomes dysfunctional.
For example, if the father is an alcoholic (Peru has one of the
world's highest rates of alcoholism), he does no longer fulfill
his role as provider and educator of his family, nor his role as
lover of his wife. So the other family members are forced to
contribute more than they owe. The mother, and sometimes even the
children, have to contribute to the family's economy. The mother,
and sometimes the older children, have to assume the leadership
of the family. Children sometimes attempt to educate their
father, or burden themselves with feelings of guilt for their
father's alcoholism. Children might also try to assume the role
of counsellors for their mother who does no longer support her
emotional burden. Other children might just try to escape the
situation, physically (by living on the street) or emotionally
(isolating themselves).
In this example, each member of the family assumes a role which
does not correspond to him or her, and can therefore not fulfill
this role. The members of such a family will soon feel unloved
and discouraged. All of them feel they are living in a disaster
and will feel guilty about it, but nobody wants to admit it. So
they will all blame each other for their problems, and at the
same time will try to hide their father's alcoholism in order to
appear as a healthy family on the outside.
As a result, the whole family lives a lie. The real problem (the
father's alcoholism) is covered with excuses or with silence. The
rule "Don't talk" is being established, the problem is
taboo. So things never change, since you cannot resolve a problem
you do not admit.
The same thing happens in families with another kind of problem: violence, incest, separation or divorce of the parents, families of criminals, etc.
I want to advance here that nobody should feel guilty for
having grown up in a dysfunctional family. God does not blame the
children for the sins of their fathers (Ezekiel 18). But if you
discover through this chapter that you have a dysfunctional
family background, you might get a better understanding of some
of your present problems; and so you will know better how to
handle these problems.
In fact, most families show some dysfunctions; but in some cases
these dysfunctions are much more serious than in other cases.
As Alberto Mottesi points out in his book "América 500 años después" (America 500 years later), machism, a typical trait of Latin American culture, can be explained as a consequence of the sexual abuses committed by the conquerors. The mestizo "homes" of those times do not really deserve to be called "families", since there was no marital union, but the indigenous woman was considered property of the white man. According to the same racist thought pattern, the mestizo children considered themselves inferior to their father, but superior to their mother; so they treated her mother as a slave. Over the centuries, the different races got more mixed up and the racial differences decreased; but what remained was a distorted relationship between men and women, where men were considered naturally superior.
Machism expresses itself also in the irresponsibility of the father towards the needs of his wife and children. Mottesi writes:
"... Man deceives himself by thinking he is unable to control himself ... so he becomes a slave of his passions. ... The sexual incontinence of men produces a Latin American pattern of irresponsible fatherhood, illegitimate children and abandoned families. This brings about very serious moral, legal and psychological consequences. The illegitimate children are practically orphans. The physical, emotional and spiritual misery is the consequence of irresponsible fatherhood."
(Op.cit.)
So we understand that machism prevented the development of a healthy concept of family. How could Peruvians know what a healthy family is, if the prototype of a Peruvian family is a conqueror as father, and a conquered mother?
The most obvious and devastating consequence of the described
pattern is domestic violence. In 1999, the following survey was
made in Lima: "Do you know a woman in your neighborhood,
family, or friends, who has suffered ill-treatment in the past 12
months?" - 82% of the surveyed people answered yes.
In another investigation, 39% of all women said having suffered
physical violence during the past 12 months; 19% frequently.
Additionally, 67% had suffered psychological violence.
In 1993, there were in Peru 142'970 teenage mothers (between 12
and 19 years of age). Most of these young mothers are victims of
rape. It is almost impossible to imagine the tragedies of their
lives.
The most vulnerable members of a society are children. They
are most frequently the victims of abuse, starting with their own
homes. How many fathers and mothers do not know how to educate
their children, except by beating them! - Other children are not
beaten, but do not receive any attention either. They just spend
their days alone, they can do what they want (even take alcohol
and drugs) and nobody corrects them. Although they have parents,
they live like orphans.
Both kinds of children, mistreated children and abandoned
children, have something in common: They are not loved by their
parents. They feel a big vacuum inside themselves. If God does
not do a miracle, they will try to fill this vacuum with anything
they can find: drugs, stealing, joining a gang of street
children, sexual activity, etc. - and these things will destroy
their lives completely.
We will talk now about some more subtle problems, which equally hurt the personality of children.
The members of a dysfunctional family generally suffer from
low self-esteem. So they try to elevate their self-esteem at the
expenses of other family members. One way of doing this is by
making them feel ashamed. When I can make another person feel
inferior, I will feel a bit superior. - How many children have to
hear many times each day: "You are stupid, an ass, a liar, a
naughty child, useless, ..."
What is the result of this behaviour? By putting others (for
example the children) to shame, in reality I am not exalting
myself; I am only putting down the other ones. In due time, they
will revenge themselves and will put me down.
Eventually, everyone is debasing everyone, and everyone will lose
in this "game".
From a spiritual point of view, shaming words are curses. God
wants us to bless our children, not to curse them. Words of
acceptation and encouragement are blessings. How many (or how
few) children hear their parents say: "I love you." -
"I am happy that you are my child." - "You are
precious to me" ?
This does not mean that we should not correct our children. But
the correction should address the child's behavior, not
his or her value as a human being. A parent who says:
"You naughty child", is not correcting, but cursing.
What can a child change, if he or she "is" already
naughty? This child will probably show more naughty behavior, in
order to "prove" what parents said about him or her.
A correction could be expressed this way: "You are making
too much noise. If you won't be quiet, you will have to stay in
your bedroom." - "You did not dry the dishes; you know
that this is your duty." - "I don't want you to throw
your toys onto the floor." - All these comments address the
child's behavior, so the child knows exactly what to
change. His or her value as a person is not at stake.
A particular source of shame for children is the frequent saying: "God will punish you." God put parents in charge of their children's education, so why should they burden God again with this responsibility? This what the Bible calls "misusing God's name", and is a kind of spiritual abuse.
Mechanisms of shame are so deeply rooted that people do a lot of ridiculous things, only for not "being ashamed". They make every effort to avoid coughing or sneezing in public. They prefer pretending not having heard a question, instead of taking the risk of giving a wrong answer, or an answer which could be interpreted in a wrong way. When their children behave bad in the presence of other people, they do not correct them because "this would be a shame"; maybe they attempt to dissimulate the situation by giving the child a candy. (Of course, the child exploits this situation every time it occurs.) When people talk to an "important person", they do not say what they want to say, but what they think the "important person" wants to hear. May we say that the fear of being ashamed is the strongest motive of the actions of Peruvians?
Not only spoken words cause shame. There are other, more
subtle ways. In continuation, I will mention some additional
characteristics of "shame-based systems". Parts of
these are summarized from the books by Jeff Van Vonderen,
"Tired of Trying to Measure Up" and "The Subtle
Power of Spiritual Abuse".
By speaking of "systems", it is meant that these
phenomenons can be observed in every kind of human groups. We
apply it here to families, but it happens also in classrooms,
businesses, churches, and other "systems".
Shame-based systems (for example dysfunctional families) send
the following "messages" to their members:
- that their are not loved nor accepted
- that they do not even deserve to be loved and accepted
- that they are loved and accepted only if they behave well
- that they are unable of behaving well; that they are unworthy
and of no value
- that they are very lonely, that in reality they belong nowhere
and to nobody.
These messages are transmitted by patterns of behavior like the following:
- Shame-based systems do not allow talking about problems.
Children are afraid of talking about problems they suffer in
their family. Mistreated wives are afraid of complaining agaist
their husbands. People are put to shame when they talk openly
about problems in their working place, association, church, etc;
so the real problems are never dealt with.
(Of course people may criticise when they are outside
the problematic group; but the mechanism of shame is always
activated when they talk inside the group, where things
really could and should be changed.)
- Shame-based systems do not allow showing someone's real
feelings.
One of the sacred laws of machism says: "Men don't
weep." Boys who have been educated on this foundation, learn
to appear always "strong", and to put to shame the
weaker ones. They never learned to "pour out their hearts to
God" (Psalm 62:8). They never learned to acknowledge they
have a problem, so their problems are never resolved.
Another law taught to many children is: "It is better to be
nice than to be sincere." So children learn to say that they
like very much the meal which they find nauseous, that their
aunt's awful dress is very nice, and that they are happy playing
all day long with their cousin who beats them up all the time.
God says that being sincere is better than being nice. Jesus
never said that he liked the pharisees' false teachings. Neither
was he ashamed of weeping in public (John 11:35), nor of
expressing his distress before his disciples (Matthew 26:37).
Only where there is transparency, there can be real
communication.
- Shame-based systems are performance-oriented.
Love and acceptance are "deserved" by fulfilling
certain standards: achieving good school grades, behaving well,
looking nice, etc.
Even in the children's games we can observe this tendency: In
their most popular games, there is always someone being
"punished" (the one who makes the first mistake). So
children learn that making mistakes is a "shame", even
in games. Later they will learn how to cover up and dissimulate
their mistakes, and will never ask for help since this would show
their weakness.
- Shame-based systems use encoded communication.
Since it is "shameful" saying directly what one wants
or thinks, people "encode" their communication. For
example, instead of saying: "I want you to do this...",
parents say: "Wouldn't it be nice if you ...?", or
"Could you do me a favour ...?" - But they expect that
their children interpret this "code" correctly as a
commandment.
- Shame-based systems practise "communication in triangle".
A boy says to his mom: "Tell my brother to share his toys
with me." Why does he not say it directly to his brother? He
is avoiding communication with his brother. If the mother accepts
playing this "game", her two boys will never develop a
healthy communication with each other.
Another example of "triangular communication" consists
in parents projecting their personal enemities into their
children. For example, they are on bad terms with a certain
neighbor, so they forbid their children to play with the
neighbor's children. So children are forced to bear the
consequences of their parents' conflicts, and think there must be
something wrong with them since they are no longer allowed to
play with one another.
Lies as an "educational method"
This is an extremely widespread dysfunction. For example, parents
do not want their children to visit a certain friend of theirs;
but instead of saying "I do not want you to go", they
say: "Your friend is not at home." - Many of these lies
have the purpose of frightening children: "Don't eat so much
candy, you will get a rotten stomach." - "Don't go
outside in the dark, the cucu (evil spirit) will eat you." -
"If you stick out your tongue agian, I will cut it
off." - "If you don't obey me, I will tell this
stranger to take you with him."
This kind of "education" has many destructive
consequences:
- Children lose confidence in their parents, and in people in
general.
- Children become guided by irrational fears and superstitions,
instead of reasoning about thier behavior.
- Children learn that they can use lies to get what they want.
- Parents lose their authority because their words are no longer
trustworthy.
Some other problems have to do with the absence of communication. Children are "emotionally undernourished" if their questions are answered with silence; if they only get orders but no encouragement, no explanations, no advice, nor any personal communication about their parents' thoughts or feelings.
Communication with children is vital. Communication between
parents and children is the most influential factor in the
development of children's intelligence.
Jesus knew how important was communication with his disciples
(John 15:14-15). He never dissembled before his disciples, nor
lied to them, nor manipulated them. So the disciples knew they
were loved and appreciated, they felt secure in God's grace, and
knew they were able to fulfill their task.
Some parents practise a strange mixture of irresponsibility
and negligence on one side, overprotection and possessivity on
the other side. For example:
Small children are allowed to commit every offense and to talk
with all kinds of invectives, "since they do not understand
yet". But when they are teenagers or young adults, and
already accostumed to a bad behavior, parents prevent them from
chosing their own way: they impose them their election of studies
or work; they force them to participate in church activities (if
they are Christians); and they apply methods of correction like
spanking, which would have been appropriate for little children
but in no way for teenagers. The result are sons and daughters
who never grow up; they remain "adult children".
Then these sons and daughters carry these problems over into
their own marriages: Even after marrying, they remain "mom's
little boy (or girl)". God's Word is not respected, which
says: "For this reason a man will leave his
father and mother and be united to his wife
..." (Genesis 2:24). In these families it is not clear who
is really in charge: the married couple, or their parents and
parents-in-law? And who is in charge of their children's
education: the parents or the grandparents? These twisted
relationships cause a lot of problems and conflicts.
Too many children are left to the care of servant girls,
relatives, or governmental institutions, from a very early age.
They grow up considering their parents virtually as strangers.
But even after abandoning their parental responsibilities in this
way, parents still consider their children their
"property". They still expect their children to serve
them (even to earn money for them), and any moment they may
appear by surprise at their relatives' home where they left their
children, in order to take them to another place.
Such phenomenons can also be described as abuse: Authorities
(parents) do not fulfill their duties, but expect their
subordinates to satisfy their desires.
There is far too much false and mistaken information being
spread about this subject, so we have to enter into some details.
The current tendency consists in abandoning children at a very
early age to governmental care. When our children were two, some
friends were already asking: "Which preschool are they
attending?"
In reality, the best possible early education consists in the
interaction between parents and children. If children in
preschool age are separed from their parents and their known
familiar surrounding, they suffer traumas which may affect their
whole lives. Already in 1975, psychologists Raymond and Dorothy
Moore recollected results of more than hundred scientific
investigations from many different countries, about the effects
of early school attendance. All these studies confirmed
unanimously that those children who start school late (at the age
of eight and later), develop far better than those who start
early. Children who were educated in their homes for a longer
time, showed better intellectual capacities, more emotional
maturity, and more leadership qualities.
(Raymond and Dorothy Moore, "Better Late Than Early",
1975 / 1986, Reader's Digest Press / The Moore Foundation, Camas,
Washington.)
The only exception were children who grew up in very problematic
families. But even in this case, do not be mistaken: As abuse and
mistreatment happens in families, it happens likewise in
governmental institutions!
Early school attendance is often justified with the economical
situation: "Mothers have to work". But nobody asks
about the costs of such a large number of preschools and day-care
centers - and later the restoration of so many dysfunctional
families and emotionally damaged children. In reality, home
education results more economical for the society at large. The
Moores mention several pilot projects where it was shown that
professional educators could counsel parents regarding the
education of their children, instead of gathering children in a
preschool. Not only the children developed better, but also the
costs were lower.
In Peru, something very similar is already working in the area of
health care: When little children are brought to their routine
checks in hospitals, parents receive advice about how to nourish
children, how to to prevent illnesses, and how to stimulate their
little personalities. So why could not the same principle be
applied to education?
The mentioned facts are available at least since 1975, but the educational systems of most countries are moving in the opposite direction. Is this just ignorance, or is behind it the desire of governments to have total control over the minds of the next generation?
There is another factor, especially in Peru, which is very
seldom being considered. Not everyone is able to be a school
teacher! While most adult people, with some training, can do well
educating a small number of children in their own home, there are
very different skills required in order to educate a classroom
full of children of the same age. Only a very limited portion of
the population has these capacities. People who do not have the
corresponding psychological qualities and temperament, will not
become real "teachers" just by graduating in education!
But in Peru there are places (especially in rural areas) where
half of the population are children under 15! This requires such
a high number of teachers that it is simply not possible to have
enough suitable teachers. As a result, we have a lot of teachers
who do poorly in their job and who are not motivated for their
work.
Parents could do much better educating their preschool children
at home, just involving them in their daily chores. Children have
a natural curiosity which leads them to explore, to make
experiments and to ask questions. Parents only need to learn how
to take advantage of this curiosity and how to respond to their
children's questions. (We are again at the subject of
communication!)
The Moores demonstrate in their study that children up to the age
of eight learn much better in an informal, familiar setting, than
in the formal surrounding of a school.
This would of course require a change in the attitude of parents. Parents would have to realize that they are responsible for their children's education; they cannot just delegate education to other people and then expect "results". It is illogical that I, as a father, should expect in a possessive way that my children follow the path I designed for them, but at the same time, in a negligent way, leave their whole education in the hands of other people.
It is of profound significance that God calls himself
"Father". Some psychologists are disseminating the idea
that the concept of God is only a human imagination, a projection
of a child's image of his own father. In reality, it is the
opposite way: God "projected" himself from heaven down
to earth, when he created man in his own image (Genesis 1:26).
And the human institution which reflects God's image and
character in a particular way, is fatherhood. Ephesians 3:14-15
says, literally translated: "Therefore I bow my knees before
the Father, from whom all fatherhood in heaven
and on earth derives its name."
God is not just called "Father" because we imagine him
this way, but a human father can call himself "father"
only because God created him after his image.
But the mentioned psychologists are not completely wrong. A
child's experiences with his or her father really influence a lot
in the child's concept about God. Even as adults, our
relationship with God is still influenced by these past
experiences.
If a child grows up in a healthy family, there is no problem
about it. The child sees his father as a big and strong person;
so he can imagine that God is even greater and stronger, that he
is all-powerful. The child sees that his father governs the home,
and that he sometimes has to make justice in the quarrels between
siblings; so the child can imagine that God governs the whole
world in justice. The child recieves love and encouragement from
his father, so the child can imagine that God's love must be even
much greater that his father's love.
But what happens with a child who is mistreated by his parents?
Will not this child imagine God as a cruel and angry person, in
whom he cannot trust? - And what about the child who was
abandoned by his father? Will not this child think that God does
not care about him, that God is far away and that it is not
possible to relate to him in a personal way?
Such experiences raise barriers between the child and God. Such
barriers remain even in the adult age. So when counselling a
person who has difficulties to trust God or to relate to him
personally, in some moment I ask: "Could you tell me about
your father?"
Fathers who mistreat or abandon their children, are
misrepresenting God's fatherhood on earth. In consequence, it
will not help telling these children that "God is like a
father". On the contrary, they have to learn that God is very
different from their father - and this is much more
difficult to learn. How can this child know what a good father
is, if he or she never had one?
So we can understand that family problems have immediate
consequences in the spiritual condition of children, and of the
whole society.
Floyd McClung has written a precious book about "The Father Heart of God". He describes seven areas where our concept of God may be distorted because of bad experiences in our childhood:
Authority
Sometimes we avoid God's authority like a terrified dog, because we think he is like other authorities we knew in our life. But he is not like that. He is perfect love.
Trust
Maybe you were abandoned as a child. Now you have difficulties trusting God's faithfulness. You cannot erase from your memory the many broken promises.
... However, your heavenly Father was present when you began to walk; when you were hurt and disappointed as a teenager; and he is present in this very moment.
2 Timothy 2:13 says: "Even if we are faithless, he will remain faithful; for he cannot disown himself."Values
Our modern homes full of fragile and expensive furniture and devices are a real mine-field of rejection for our children. ... They hear always about the importance and value of things. But very seldom they hear the words "I love you".
... God is not stingy, nor possessive, nor materialistic. We sometimes use people as if they were things; but God uses things in order to bless people.Affection
Many children, especially boys, receive very little physical affection from their father, and no genuine compassion when they suffer ... But God's love heals the wounds o f both men and women. He, being our Father, feels our suffering deeper than we ourselves, since his sensitivity to suffering is much greater.
Presence
God is with you in every moment, and he grants you his whole attention.
A boy had worked the whole afternoon, driving nails into a piece of wood. When his father finally came home, the boy showed him proudly his masterpiece: a three-storied battleship. But his father did not even lift his eyes from his calculator. Dad never looked; but God did. He always rejoiced in the child's handiwork.Acceptation
We live in a performance-oriented society. Many parents transmit inconsciently this message: If you qualify for the soccer team, if you achieve good school grades, if you are pretty, then you will be accepted and "loved". But God is a God of "inconditional" love.
Communication
In a certain opportunity, a girl told me that she could not talk to God. She felt as if her words were just bouncing back from the wall. ... When we prayed together, she realized that she imagined God just as her father, a good and honest man, but silent and shy. He was a man who seldom spoke to his children and never told them that he loved them. When she recognized her father's weakness, she was able to forgive him and to accept him as he was. This opened for her a whole new dimension in her relationship with God. ... Soon she began to feel God's guidance and presence in her life.
(Summarized from Floyd McClung, "The Father Heart of God")
It is an exciting adventure, searching in the Bible for the
qualities of God the Father. As a beginning, I recommend starting
with Psalm 103 and Psalm 145, and meditating about God's
personality as described in these Psalms.
But it is not enough just knowing this information. In
order to transform our lives, we need a supernatural
revelation from God, where he himself shows us how he is in
reality. We can use the mentioned Biblical passages as a starting
point in order to seek for this revelation.
God's revelation will make his person so real in our lives that
he will fill the vacuum which was left inside us because of the
absence of a really good father.
Jesus told us the story of the Prodigal Son. But in the
Peruvian society, it is more common to find Prodigal Fathers:
Fathers who abandon their wife, their children and their home, in
order to live an irresponsible life. And many even fathers who
stay with their families, abandon their children emotionally:
they do not show them any affection, nor encourage or comfort
them, nor communicate with them from heart to heart. Most young
people with emotional problems say: "I never knew what it
means to have a father."
In 1993, in 23% of all Peruvian homes, the head of the family was
a woman (so the father was obviously absent). Almost one million
Peruvian children live with their grandparents, more than 430'000
with other relatives, 120'000 with people who are not their
relatives, 15'000 work as servants, and almost 10'000 live
without any adult person. The thousands of children who live in
the streets, are not even included in this statistic. These
figures can give us an idea of the widespread phenomenon of
"prodigal fathers".
Many teenagers seek the parental love they had missed in a
premature love affair. So they project unreal expectations into
their partners and prepare the ground for a next generation of
dysfunctional families. The young husband who was first sought as
a "substitute father" by his girlfriend, will only a
short time support the burdens of real fatherhood, and will
become himself a "prodigal father".
In those homes where both father and mother are
present, we find often a kind of "divided parenthood":
The mother is responsible for loving, comforting, and nourishing
the children; the father is in charge of "discipline"
(mostly limited to physical punishment); and when the father
exceeds himself regarding discipline, the mother must intercede
before him for her children.
This produces, in common thinking, a division between the concept
of "authority" and the concept of "love". It
is believed that he who loves never disciplines, and he who
disciplines cannot love. A person can have either love or
authority, but not both. With this concept, there can never be a
real understanding between a leader and his followers: If the
leader is an authority, then he cannot be trusted; or if he
treats his followers with love, then he will lose his authority.
The same division can be observed in the common
concept of God. People imagine God as a distant, harsh and
authoritarian person, who cannot be approached directly. On the
other hand, love and tenderness are represented by the virgin
Mary. So a picture of a "dysfunctional heavenly family"
is created, according to the common example of earthly families.
But this is not a true picture of God!
So we can understand that people have a hard time to understand
the real nature of God. For God joins in his person perfectly
authority and love! He is the Sovereign King of the Universe; but
at the same time he loved us so much that gave his own life for
us.
Jesus' disciples must have had the same problem. They could not
accept that Jesus, who commanded the storm and the waves, should
wash their feet (John 13:13-15).
"Discipline" is commonly confounded
with "punishment". It is believed that discipline, as
an act of authority, cannot proceed from love. So the kind of
"discipline" practised in many homes is in reality a
kind of revenge: it is a way of telling the child: "You have
made me feel bad, so I will make you feel bad also."
In the Bible, discipline has a very different sense. In Hebrews
12:7-11, we read:
"What son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined..., then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live!
Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, in produces a harvest of rightousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."
We observe the following:
- Discipline is an integral and necessary part of all education.
- There is a significant difference between the discipline
applied by an earthly father, and God's discipline: The human
father disciplines "as he thinks best", so he can be
mistaken; but God disciplines us always for our good.
- God has no need to "revenge" our bad behavior; but
his discipline has a good purpose. He corrects us so we
may no longer harm ourselves by our sin.
- Although God's discipline hurts, it does not harm
us. On the contrary, the long-term result is pleasant.
In the wider Biblical context, we see that
discipline is much more than just correction. Good discipline
starts with instruction. When God liberated his people
from Egypt, one of the first things he did was giving them the
Ten Commandments. He clarified his expectations from the
beginning.
Also in the family, we cannot correct children before having
clarified the rules. And these rules cannot be changed
arbitrarily: the principle of "Lex Rex" applies
also to the family. As a father, I have authority delegated by
God. So my task is leading my children to the obedience towards
God, not imposing my own will.
Then we see that God trains his
people. He says: "I am the LORD your God, who
teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you
should go." (Isaiah 48:17) This means not only
that he shows us the way, but he walks beside us, making
sure that we really understand his laws.
In the family, this means that we should not only give orders to
our children. We must show them by our example, explanations and
encouragement what we expect from them. We must take time to do
together with the children what we want them to learn. This is
love expressed in discipline.
When God's people, although trained in God's
ways, disobeyed, God had to warn them about the
consequences. We find such warnings in Deuteronomy chapter 28,
and in large parts of the prophetic books.
In the same way, parents have to warn their children about the
consequences of bad behavior, and give them an opportunity to
acknowledge their mistake and to repent.
When God's people ignored the warnings, God had
to apply the announced punishment. This is not pleasant,
but necessary for correction. "When the sentence for a crime
is not quickly carried out, the hearts of the people are filled
with schemes to do wrong." (Ecclesiastes 8:11)
In the same way, parents have to fulfill their warnings if their
children keep being disobedient. So we should never pronounce
warnings or threats if we do not really have the intention of
fulfilling them.
Much more could be said about this subject. But there are good Christian books about child education, which can be found in Christian bookstores.
I am just asking myself: What are the Christian
churches doing about the mentioned problems? Very few Peruvian
churches teach Christian principles of education to parents. Very
few churches help their members to know God the Father as he
really is. Very few churches offer any help for children
suffering from the situation of their families.
The director of a Christian orphanage commented: "It is
almost impossible to find healthy Christian families who could
adopt our orphans: Christian families generally treat their
children in the same bad way as non-Christian families."
A large church had organized a course for Sunday School teachers.
Some participants started to ask questions about how to help
children with family problems. The speaker could only give one
answer: "Send them to a psychologist."
How is this that the Christian church has no answer to the most
important problems of society? How can it be that this church,
which is so zealous about the "right doctrine" in
religious matters, recurs to worldly wisdom as soon as a problem
is outside the "religious sphere"?
For God, there is no "secular" world outside his
dominion. His principles apply to all areas of our life. And I
believe that God has a special interest in family and parenthood,
since he himself is the Father by excellence. And he is still
waiting for his church to discover it.
Hijos
del Altísimo (Children of the Most High) - http://www.altisimo.net -
My
own story -
- - - - ... and dysfunctional
churches 
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