Hijos del Altísimo (Children of the Most High) - http://www.altisimo.net -
"As a shepherd looks after his scattered flock when he is with them, so will I look after my sheep. I will rescue them from all the places where they were scattered on a day of clouds and darkness. ... I will search for the lost and bring back the strays. I will bind up the injured and strengthen the weak .... I will shepherd the flock with justice. " (Ezekiel 34:11-16)
My observations are without doubt influenced by my own background. So I believe that my story will help unsterstanding the vision I am sharing in this book. It will also help to understand why I include myself among the "wounded sheep of Peru".
At the age of 19, I had an encounter with the Lord which
changed my life. I had grown up in a nominal Christian family,
where it was believed that everybody was a Christian, except if
one behaved extremely bad. So I had believed during 19 years that
I was a Christian, and was quite shaken when I discovered that I
was not.
I had begun to attend a group of Christian students of my college
where we studied the Bible together. One day, one of the leaders
asked all of us: Who wants to live for Jesus? - I raised my hand,
thinking: Of course ... how could I want something different? -
After the meeting, the leader talked a while with me and prayed
with me what he thought was a "prayer of commitment to the
Lord" - but for me, this event had no special importance.
Over time, the life and teaching of Jesus was becoming more
real to me. He was really more than just "a good man"!
And so I began to notice the great contrast between his life and
mine.
Certain verses of the Sermon on the Mount appeared constantly in
my mind, especially where the Lord is talking about sinning in
our thoughts. - In order to fulfill the Lord's standard, it was
simply not enough to "behave well"!
The Lord began to reveal the disaster within myself. I had to
admit that God probably did not agree with most of my thoughts.
There came a critical time when I could no longer understand my
own behavior. I began doing absurd things (or had I done them
always without noticing it?). And I started to harm exactly those
people I loved most.
After an almost violent incident, I thought I did not deserve to
live. I had said to the Lord that I wanted to live for him; I
even tried to change; but everything was getting worse. - I did
not know that in these very moments, the Holy Spirit was
fullfilling his promise: he was convicting me of my sin (John
16:8-9).
Finally I talked to a counsellor of the mentioned Christian
group. She asked me: "In those moments when you acted in
such a terrible way - do you believe that Jesus was with you in
those very moments, and that he gave his life in order to forgive
you exactly this?"
This question hit me. All the time I had "believed"
that Jesus died for me and for all mankind - until this moment
when I was convicted of sin in a very concrete way, and
discovered that in reality I did not believe that Jesus would
forgive me exactly this sin. - "Lord, I want to believe;
forgive my unbelief!"
I had done the most important step, but there was still a way to
go. Not "trying harder" was the key, but believing
in Jesus.
Now I had to do one of the most difficult things of my life:
Asking forgiveness of the people I had harmed. I was not able to
do this in my own strength, but I was to do it in God's strength.
This was my first step of faith.
There followed several years of preparation for God's calling in my life. Step by step, God guided me to the understanding that I should be in full-time ministry, that it would be a teaching ministry, that it would be focused mainly on children and teachers of children, and finally, that it would be in a foreign country. So I got prepared in the areas of Children's Ministry, Theology, and Missions.
I would like to share just one significant incident from these
years. I was on a three-month missionary trip to Kenya, as a
preparation for missions. Until a very short time before this
trip, I had thought of spending my whole life in my home country,
where life is comfortable and everything is secure. When thinking
of leaving my country, I was invaded by all sorts of horrible
thoughts. But God wanted me to be fully available for him,
without reservation; so I came to the point where I said:
"OK, Lord, I will go wherever you send me." - As a
result of this, I found myself in Africa.
We were only two "westerners" who had come together to
work on this missionary base, but there were volunteers from many
other parts of the world who had come independently from us. In
the beginning, everything was fine; the Kenyan staff members were
very friendly to us, but also very formal.
One day, the Kenyan leader of the base announced: "After
lunch, I would like to meet with all westerners here." - We
gathered in one of the typical round huts with a straw roof. The
leader said:
"There are certain tensions on our base, and I heard complaints from our staff members. Therefore I found necessary talking to you about some aspects of our culture, which you are obviously not aware of. We understand and respect you, and the fact that you are different; but we expect this same respect from your part too. My fellow workers are not yet mature enough to tell a white man openly and directly what they think of him ... therefore I have to assume this difficult task. If I do not do this, you will continue hurting people without noticing it; and after some time, my fellow workers will silently withdraw from your presence.
You should know that in this country, it is not usual that Africans work together with white people. For many people, even Christians, this is already a reason for being suspicious about us. We all still remember the colonial era (Kenya was not independent until 1963), and there is much resentment against the white race. Some people view us collaborators of the mission as "cultural traitors".
To mention just a small example: Some days ago, my mother visited me. She was terrified to see that we teach our children to eat with a knife and a fork. She reproached me: Do you want to turn my grandchildren into "mzungus" (white people)?
- We are very vulnerable towards your aggressive behavior. From our point of view, even the way you walk may irradiate aggressivity and possessivity. When you desire something, you ask immediately for it, instead of asking first about our desires. We feel hurt when you choose for yourself the better jobs - for example office work - while you leave to us the inferior jobs - for example the kitchen.
Friendliness is very important for us. When you walk through the city and see your Kenyan friend on the other side of the street, you wave your hands and smile at him. I suppose this is a friendly gesture in your culture. But your friend will percieve you as unfriendly and will feel hurt, because you do not cross the street in order to shake his hand and talk to him.
We also perceive that you follow always your own plans. For us, this base is not just a working place, but a family. We expect that you integrate yourself first into the life of this family, before you start realizing your visions. If you do not first build a relationship to us, step by step, and seek our advice, then your work will disintegrate as soon as you leave this place.
If a foreign missionary wants to work with us long-term, we want him in the first year to do nothing but learn from us to understand our culture. In the second year, he can begin to develop a vision of the ministry he will realize, and prepare this work. Only from the third year on he will be able to work in a productive way.
It is very important for you to become people-oriented instead of work-oriented. Most of us feel very insecure when collaborating with you, and especially when we are in a position of leadership over you. Frequently I have to make decisions for my staff members, because they are afraid to command or to correct a foreigner. Therefore it is very important that you take the initiative to get into contact with them and win their confidence; and that you develop more sensitivity for the things they expect from you without saying it."
This was a discouraging moment. We had never imagined that
this kind of problems existed. But during this single hour, I
learnt more about cross-cultural missions than in the whole rest
of my life.
During the rest of the time, I tried to pay more attention to the
signs of the mentioned problems. But there was no easy solution,
and there were still many misunderstandings. Sure, we realized
several "successful" events. But we did not get to a
real mutual understanding, on a personal level, with the Kenyan
workers.
In those moments I thought I probably was not useful for
cross-cultural work. Today I know that these experiences were a
necessary preparation. It was the remembrance of these failures
which helped me to assume a different attitude in Peru from the
beginning. For example, I decided from the beginning to seek
contact to Peruvians in order to learn from them, and if
possible, to live together with them. (Quite a large part of
foreign missionaries in Third World countries never experience a
confrontation similar to that meeting with the Kenyan leader. So
they live in the illusion that they get along very well with
local people, while in reality just nobody dares to tell them
clearly what they think.)
Soon there were more signs that the time for leaving my
country was approaching. I wrote a letter to the leaders of the
church I attended, describing what I felt was my calling, and
asking for their prayers for God's guidance in my life. I also
mentioned that I would prefer working with the mission where I
had received my missionary preparation.
Some weeks later they replied that they had prayed, and felt much
peace. They had decided unanimously to send me to Peru for one
year, where they needed a teacher for the missionaries' children.
They would not send me with the mission I desired to work with,
since the church had their own mission in Peru and they were not
willing to support other missions in this country.
I was encouraged by the ancient founder of this mission. I
consider him "a prophet without knowing it", because
all his words came true, although he himself wanted to retract
them in a certain moment.
I saw in him the same vision for cross-cultural collaboration as
I had learnt, in a difficult way, in Africa. He was very
supportive of my desire to live with Peruvians and made the
corresponding arrangements. He said two other things I never
forgot: "For now we send you out for one year, but I am sure
this year will turn into two, three, and maybe many more
years." - "You are the ideal age for leaving. (I was
28.) Although it would be better if you were married, since the
words of a single man generally do not have much authority. But
the Lord can give you also a wife in Peru."
In the beginning, everything went fine. I felt it was much
easier getting accustomed to the Peruvian culture than to the
African, and to make friendship with young people in the church.
There arose a problem when a girl from the church, who worked in
the home of one of the missionaries, complained to him that
"she did not like me to approach her". So the
missionaries called my attention. I was confused, since I felt I
had not "approached" that girl more than what was
normal in a "brotherly friendship". Had I stepped over
some cultural limit without knowing it?
In a conversation with the missionaries, I asked them about the
correct behaviour between young people of different sexes. I
mentioned also that I did not feel very comfortable being single.
- Their reply was unexpectedly harsh: "You did not come here
to marry! - Marriages between Peruvians and foreigners do not
work."
They imposed me rules like these: "Never again sit by the
side of any woman in church." - "Never greet a woman
with a kiss" (this was the normal custom). - "Never
talk to a woman alone." - "Never visit a woman in her
house." - "And nothing of falling in love! If we hear
something like that, we will immediately return you home." -
This last condition was a clear contradiction against the
regulations of the mission, which said: "Love affairs are
personal affairs which have to be respected. The affected person
informs the field leader, and they agree upon a code of
behavior." But in this mission, the authority of the leader
was above the authority of the written law.
I had not got any answer to my question about the correct
behavior towards women. The missionaries' answer did obviously
not originate from an observation of culture, but from fear of
the "horrible" possibility that I might marry a
Peruvian wife.
I talked to a Peruvian pastor in order to hear his point of
view. He made me understand that certain restrictions were
appropriate, for example the rule of not being alone with a woman
in a lonely place: "There are women, even in church, who are
really 'seeking' for a foreigner." On the other hand, it was
completely acceptable to visit a woman in her house if she was
not alone. - The pastor also expressed that the missionaries
behaved strangely: "I do not understand why they have these
racial prejudices. They have removed many missionaries, and
Peruvian workers, from their ministries, because of love affairs
between foreigners and Peruvians. - I have seen that they are
emotionally very cold, and they will not like it if you are
different."
I commented to the missionaries that some of their rules of
conduct were not very appropriate, according to the Peruvian
point of view. But I received another very harsh reaction:
"You do not have any reason for asking advice from
Peruvians! We are your persons of reference, and we do
not want you again to receive counselling from Peruvians."
There were other signs that these missionaries were far away
from their founder's attitude towards the Peruvian Christians. In
their staff meetings, where no Peruvian was present, they made
frequently comments like: "We cannot allow a Peruvian doing
this, they are irresponsible." - "They do not have the
same level of education as we." - "They do not know how
to do things properly." - "Never pay attention when
they weep; they only want to manipulate us." (Such comments
were almost all of the "cultural preparation" I
received from them.)
I found also strange that in the meetings of the missionaries,
decisions were discussed which the national leadership of the
Peruvian churches had to take in their next session.
Later I discovered that in reality not all missionaries had this
attitude. But this small missionary community (three families and
two singles) was dominated by a single woman hungry for power,
who knew how to subtly influence the other missionaries and the
Peruvian leaders. (For not having to mention her name, I will
call her from now on just "the missionary woman".) In
this missionary community, the "dynamics of a closed
group" were at work: All of them affirmed one another in
their observations and opinions, but did not take into account
opinions and advice from outside the group. So everybody felt
they were right, since the group supported them, while diverging
opinions had a "strange flavour" to them and were
therefore refused.
This went until such a state that the missionary women could
announce in a meeting, in the presence of the base leader, that
she had not been able to find him in order to ask for his
signature she needed for an official document, so she had forged
his signature. The announcement was received without any comment
from the other missionaries.
In the same time, I got many confirmations from Peruvian
pastors and leaders, that my calling was to stay in Peru. I felt
much more comfortable with Peruvians than with my fellow
countrymen. I did no longer trust the missionaries, for the
prejudices and the lack of honesty I had seen in them.
This was a sad time: it seemed that the more God confirmed my
calling, the more the missionaries were surrounding me with
walls. But it was in that time when I began to feel a little of
what a Peruvian feels about his past, and what his soul is like.
One day I wrote in my diary: "The Peruvian people is
wounded! - I feel depressed. But this is not just my own
depression; I am carrying their burden."
It was obvious that I could not keep working with this mission
in the future. There was a small base of the other mission. I had
good contact with their leader (a Colombian), and sometimes
helped out in some of their projects. So I asked about the
possibilities of working with them after finishing my contract
with the mission. The leader said: "This is possible, if
your pastor recommends you."
Three months before finishing my contract, the leader of the
Missions Department from my church came to Peru. From him I
learned that after my very first conversation with the
missionaries, they had sent a report to my church, saying that I
was a "rebel" and a "lady-killer". (This was
another violation of the mission's regulations, which stated that
any criticism of a member of the mission had to be addressed
directly to the affected person, and not be expressed in
correspondence with other people.)
So the church had already decided not to let me work in Peru any
longer. "You will stay in our church until we can approve
you again, and you will marry at home. - And I forbid you
strictly to talk with your Peruvian friends about our
conversation." (We remember that the prohibition to talk is
a key element of abuse. But I can anticipate here that this
mentioned leader repented later from his behavior.)
There I felt deeply what it means to lose freedom and independence. It seemed that all of my life depended on the missionaries: they had the power to expel me from the country, to decide about my work and my marriage, and to prevent me from realizing any missionary work in the future. - This was at least what I thought, but it was not true. No human being has the power to prevent God's sovereign purposes! - However, they made me feel constantly that my future depended entirely on their goodwill, and that I was in Peru only "thanks to them". In this way, they built a cage in my mind in order to control my life. During a certain time, this prevented me from seeing that God was able to open this cage in any moment. So I can understand well how it is possible that even today, living in complete external freedom, a Peruvian may still have the mentality of a conquered and dependent person. This is how abuse works on the mental level.
I asked the leader of the other mission if he would accept a recommendation from a Peruvian church. "No", he said, "it must be from the church in your country." (Later I got to know that he also was not completely free to decide. His permission of residence in Peru had been guaranteed by the missionaries from my country; so he also depended on them.)
In the meantime, I kept getting confirmations of my calling to
Peru, and even that I would marry in Peru. I began to wonder who
would be my wife. On a cold and cloudy day, I retired to the
countryside and talked to the Lord about all my sadness, my
fears, and also about my future marriage. There was a Sunday
School teacher, who was a bit shy, but I felt quite confident
with her. As far as I knew her, she might really qualify for the
kind of wife I was looking for, and I also liked her appearance.
So I decided before the Lord to observe her more, and if he did
not show me any problem with her, to ask him that she might be my
wife.
In the following weeks, I talked frequently to her when there
were meetings of the Sunday School. I felt a growing security
that "it was her". But under the restrictions they had
imposed me, it was just impossible to get her to know well enough
in order to be sure. And there was very little time left.
However, I had an agreement with the Lord. He had not shown me
any problem, so I asked him for her. Then I had to make a step of
faith. One day, after church, I had a short opportunity of
talking to her in the street. I said frankly: "For a long
time I have been praying for my future wife. Until today I have
not found her, but since I know you better, I could imagine that
you will be my wife." - She looked startled, but then said:
"OK, I will pray about it." - I said: "You know
that in any case, we cannot have a relationship while I am
working with the mission. But I will wait for your answer."
Some time later I dreamed that I was flying in an airplane to my
country. I really did not want to be in that plane, but it was
too late. I woke up, scared: "Lord! They want to take me
back home!" My feelings were confused. Then I asked a sign
from the Lord: "If you really want me to return, somebody
must pay my flight." (The mission required from mission
candidates that they paid their flight themselves.)
In July was the annual conference of the mission, one month
before the end of my contract. One day during the conference, the
missionaries called me: "People are complaining about you.
We are hearing that you are very close to a certain women. We
really cannot imagine working any longer with you." - It was
a short audience before a court which had defined their sentence
in advance. They would not only return me home immediately, but
they would also expel me with a report that I was not apt for
missionary work. - I said nothing. I was being judged in a
similar way as Jesus, and like him, I did not see any sense in
saying something in my defense.
Only the next day, I asked the mission leader for permission to
leave the conference early, in order to prepare my baggage and
say goodbye to my friends. His answer: "If you leave, we
will write to all pastors that they will never receive you again.
The pastors in this city are quite united; they will respect
this." - Once again a manifestation of abuse. A threat of
destroying any future ministry, in a way contrary to all
Christian ethics. There were more than twenty evangelical
churches in that city without any connection to this mission. Was
it possible that they would let themselves be influenced in such
a way? - After all, I was already fired, so I was under no
obligation of staying. They only wanted to prevent me from
talking to my friends about what had happened.
Two days more I stayed. I was also responsible for the children's
program during the conference. This was relieving: I did not have
to be in the meetings of the missionaries. - A missionary said to
me: "I understand that this is hurtful for you. We have
decided that in exchange, the mission will pay your flight."
So I had no excuse: This was the sign I had asked from the Lord.
I could only hope that once at home, talking to the leaders there
I would be able to explain the truth.
One night I went outside to pray. There was an arid mountain in
front of me, full of furrows in its stony surface. In the
moonlight, it looked like a body covered with wounds. I
remembered a song we had sung with the children, as part of an
evangelistic program we rehearsed: "Jesus, Jesus, how I love
you ... my eyes want to see your face, and your scars of love for
me..." His body covered with scars ... this was what he had
suffered for me ... he was not only expelled from the land he
loved, not only falsely accused; he was also physically tortured,
and in the end he was killed ... and he suffered it out of love
for me. "Lord, I want to receive your love for me ... Until
now, my Peruvian friends have been your channels to make me feel
your love. When I will no longer be with them, who will show me
your love? But your love must be much greater than this - only I
cannot feel it. Lord, show me in some way this greater love of
yours!"
He answered my prayer, although he did not alliviate my
suffering. But I received his answer in my thoughts: "You
have fought a lot, too much. You forgot to be just my child,
nothing else. Just hide behind the shield of faith, and they will
not be able to harm you." - He reminded me also of John
8:50: "I am not seeking glory for myself; but there is one
who seeks it, and he is the judge."
I woke up at four the next morning. I had no more emotional
strength to stay with the missionaries. I packed my things and
walked one hour and a half in the darkness to the village, where
I reached the first bus to the city. Would the missionaries write
their letter to the pastors? It did not matter. After all, they
might do it anyway, even if I obeyed them.
I had three days left. During these days, I received
unbelievable offers of help. Some of these offers I could not
accept, for ethical reasons. One leader of the church, for
example, said: "If you wish, I will collect one hundert
signatures of church members against your expulsion." -
Another said: "Why don't you start your own church? I will
encourage the members so we will join you." - Other offers
were more promising: "Do you already have your permission of
residence? I know someone who can guarantee it for you." And
soon I found myself in the office of a well-known businessman who
wrote immediately a letter of guarantee for me. (However, I was
not yet able to obtain my permission because this would have
lasted more than three days.) - With some friends we made an
agreement that we would celebrate this Christmas together (so I
would be back to Peru by this date).
So there were many encouraging signs, but there was always one
piece of the puzzle missing. I think God did not want me to trust
in my own possibilities, but to "be convinced of what we do
not see" (Hebrews 11:1).
During these three days I was not able to pray nor to read the Bible, I was just drowned in a deep depression. The only thing I could do to fight against it, was listening to praise songs.
I received also the first proofs that the "trial"
against me had been fraudulent. Two Sunday School teachers told
me: "The missionary woman came to ask us questions about
you; but she put the words in my mouth as she wanted, and I could
not say what I would have said on my own."
In every orderly trial, witnesses are presented and heard, and
every precaution is taken to assure that the witnesses tell the
truth. And of course, the judge has to be independent. But I had
been judged by my accuser, and only on the grounds of
"people complaining about you". They never told me who
was "complaining", nor what their complaints were,
except that "I was very close to a certain woman". Now
I knew that the only person who "had complained" was
the missionary woman, who had sought and manipulated witnesses
with the declared purpose of expelling me.
I had read that Communist governments used to spin sophisticated
networks of informers in order to spy upon every citizen, and in
order to produce "testimonies" against political
dissidents, especially against Christians. Some of these
informers were recruited by making promises and giving them
privileges, others by means of pressure and threats. In the
churches it was impossible to know who were the informers, it
could be any member or leader. So the members lived in constant
distrust against one another, and this destroyed brotherly
communion. - This was a very efficient means of persecution. But
I had never imagined that a Christian leader in a free country
would use this same system in order to control the members of her
church!
A particular source of "denunciations" was gossip. The
missionary woman encouraged gossip intentionally, always asking
questions about other people's lives and working closely together
with the most talkative women. (While, of course, gossip was
officially denounced every time it could be directed against the
missionaries.)
Apart from this system, "counselling" was also used
as an instrument of control. Every time a church member asked a
leader (or especially the missionary woman) for help in a
problem, this opportunity was used to investigate about the
member's personal weaknesses. Later, if this member disagreed or
complained against a leader, they said to him: "Who are you
to say this? If you yourself have this and that problem..."
So the members preferred being quiet about the abuse they
suffered, for fear that their weaknesses might be published.
Another instrument of control was selective distribution of
financial aid administered by the mission. Needy people, or
full-time ministers, feared losing their support if they
contradicted the missionary woman.
So this was my first sample of spiritual abuse, and what it causes in the personal relationships of a whole church. It was not the last experience.
I got to Lima on July 28, Peru's Independence Day. And there, while the patriotic processions marched by, I made my own declaration of independence before God: "I declare myself from this moment free and independent from the dominion of the mission and their churches, in order to follow God's calling for my life."
At the airport, the mission leader gave me my ticket. I observed that it was more expensive than my flight the year before. "It is a return ticket", he said, "it was not possible to get another one. Keep it, maybe it is a sign from the Lord ..." Was that a joke? But the fact was, here was the ticket in my hand, with the return flight reserved for two months later.
In my former church, there was a new pastor. I attempted to
explain him my situation, but he replied: "I do not know
you; I do not know from where you are nor who you are. I only
know that the mission has reported a bad testimony about you. So
you are disapproved and have to stay here." - "You do
not understand. There are serious problems between the
missionaries and the Peruvian leaders, but the missionaries are
not aware of these problems. You have heard only one side of the
matter. Please, ask the Peruvian leaders about my
testimony." - "I am not interested in the opinion of
Peruvians. If they were really interested in your collaboration,
they had stood up in your defense."
He was obviously not interested in knowing the truth, and he
would not recommend me in any way. He did not understand the
mentality of dependence which dominated the Peruvian leaders - or
if he understood it, he exploited it for his own purposes. Later
I knew that he himself, in his youth, had desired to work in
Peru, but several circumstances had prevented it. The same
applied to the assistant pastor who was responsible for missions.
So they had a common motive of jealousy.
The founder of the mission was the only one who made at least the
effort to contact a Peruvian leader, and so he had a more
favorable concept about me. He suggested that if the church did
not want to recommend me, that they would at least give me a
letter stating that I was leaving the church in peace and that I
was free to attend any other church. But when they denied me even
this, he said: "I cannot defend you more than this, since I
would risk my own position."
The new pastor of the church, in our second and last
conversation, practically threatened me: "If you leave
without our approval, God will not bless you." He told me
his own story, how in his attempt to get to Peru the police had
arrested him and returned him to his country, and suggested that
something similar would happen to me.
This is another typical characteristic of spiritual abuse:
threatening with God's punishment. The abusive leader uses his
position in order to identify his own desires with God's will; so
if the followers do not obey him, God will punish them. Luckily,
God cannot be manipulated in this way by human leaders. But it is
still an efficient means of control, and with devastating
consequences in the spiritual life of the victim. As we saw in
the previous chapter, it is manipulation and therefore an
instrument of the devil. For many months, my trust in God was
broken. I asked myself if he really was on the side of the
abusive authorities; if he had taken his protection away from me;
if something terrible would happen. Every time something went
bad, I asked myself if this was a sign that God had removed his
blessing from my life.
A Peruvian pastor told me to make the first step by asking the missionaries for forgiveness for those offenses I had caused to them. In fact, in some opportunities I had reacted against them with harsh words; so I wrote a letter to all of them asking forgiveness for that. - The missionaries did not even acknowledge receipt of the letter.
Then came the worst blow. One day, just when the assistant
pastor had travelled to Peru once more, there came a letter from
the leadership of the peruvian church, saying: "In order to
develop your ministry, may you enter into harmony with the church
where you are a member, and with the mission ..." (Did they
not know that I was attempting this all the time, and they denied
it to me?) "You have to be sent by your church ..."
(Did they not know that my church had made their decision to send
me dependant on exactly the fact that they, the Peruvian leaders,
would stand up in my defense? Now they did the contrary, they
provided to my church the reason they had looked for, to not
send me to Peru again. And further, I was already a member of the
peruvian church; why did I have to be sent by another church?) -
Even if they did not state it very openly, this letter meant my
expulsion from the peruvian church.
I called the national president of the Peruvian church by phone
and asked him about the letter. He explained to me: "The
missionary women, and the pastor who came from your country, told
us that we had to write you in this sense, because this was their
decision and because you were rebellious against them." -
"And does this letter express your true opinion?" -
"Of course not. If we could, we would be very pleased to
help you come back." - "So, why did you sign the
letter?" - "Out of respect towards the
missionaries." - This was another proof of the deep
dependence of the Peruvian leaders on the mission. Not even the
national president was free to act according to his conviction
and conscience.
The whole organigram of that church was one big lie. At the top,
as the highest authority, figured the national leadership,
composed by Peruvian pastors. Below them were several regional
leaderships, and then the leaderships of local churches. By the
side of all them was the mission, only in a role of "support
and consulting". This organigram maintained the appearance
that the work was already "nationalized", under a
Peruvian leadership. But in reality it was the mission, and
especially the missionary woman, who controlled all affairs of
the denomination. The national leadership was so dependent on her
that they could not make any decision without her approval. The
same applied to the leaders of local churches.
But we cannot blame the mission for everything. In spite of all the pressure, the Peruvian leaders had always the option of relying on God's protection, acting honestly according God's Word, assuming the authority they had according to the written regulations, and resisting against the abusive system. That they did not do this, was their fault.
Ironically, all these experiences only deepened my calling and
my identification with Peru. If I had to serve God in Peru, then
I had to suffer myself a small part of the injustices and abuses
Peru has suffered during its whole history. It was probably the
only way I could really become "a Peruvian to the
Peruvians". - The Lord himself, in order to help us, had to
suffer what we suffer (Hebrews 2:14-17).
I appealed to other leaders: the current president of the mission,
the former pastor of my local church, and at least two other
pastors. All of them gave me similar answers: "This is not
my responsibility." - "You have to accept the mission's
decision." - "I cannot do anything about it."
Was there not a single authority in this whole system who could
grant me a just trial? - Finally I exposed my case before the
highest authority, God himself: "Lord, you see that nobody
wants to grant me justice. But you say that justice and vengeance
is yours. So I expose my case before your heavenly court. Act as
you have to act according to your own justice."
Several good-intentioned friends have told me not to publish
all these things, since it could "damage the reputation of
missions" and because "we should not talk bad about
authorities". But I have studied thoroughly the subject of
spiritual abuse, and came to the opposite conclusion. Abusive
authorities impose their victims purposely the law of "don't
talk", so their abuses would not be discovered and they
could keep abusing other people. In this way, there would be many
more victims.
Scripture never suggests being silent about abuse and evil. Paul
describes how he opposed Peter publicly when Peter acted with
falsehood (Galatians 2:14). Paul was not ashamed to publish this
incident in a public letter. In the same way, he says in 2
Timothy 4:14-15: "Alexander the metalworker did me a great
deal of harm. The Lord will repay him for what he has done. You
too should be on your guard against him..." - Also the
apostle John writes clearly against a certain Diotrephes (3 John
10).
The counsellors David Johnson and Jeff Van Vonderen write:
"The most powerful of all silent rules in a system of spiritual abuse is the rule "Don't talk", with the underlying idea: "The real problem cannot be denounced because then it would have to be treated, and things would have to change; therefore, it must be protected behind walls of silence (neglect) or by attacking (legalism). If you talk about the problem, you are the problem, and in some way you must be eliminated. To those who talk, they use to say: "We did not have all these problems until you began opening your mouth; everything was very well until you began to stir up things." Or in order to sound really spiritual, they say: "You were angry; you did not confront the affair 'in love'; this shows that you are not handling this affair in a mature Christian way."
The truth is that people simply expose the problem when they talk about it, but they do not cause it.
... The real problem is that if a Christian feels abused and keeps silent, the abuser will never be called to accountability, assuming the responsibility of his conduct ..."
(David Johnson and Jeff Van Vonderen, "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse" - translated back from the Spanish edition)
At a certain stage of the conflict, missionaries and Swiss pastors actually reproached me that by talking of the problems, I had caused the conflicts between Peruvian leaders and swiss missionaries.
For all of the mentioned reasons, it is important to expose the abuse, in order to wake up and purify the church of the Lord.
In the meantime, I had to continue living. I lived with my
parents and found a temporal job as an auxiliary worker with a
construction business. In the past I had never considered such a
job since I am not of a strong physical contitution; but it was
the only job I could find. And incredibly, my boss was satisfied
with me.
The possibility of returning to Peru seemed to fade away. In the
midst of all the turbulences about my relationships with the
pastors, the date of my return flight passed, and it was not
possible to postpone it nor to transfer it to another person.
However, I knew that I had to return. There had been too many
confirmations; I could not doubt it. Scripture also supported me.
In Acts 15:36, Paul says to Barnabas: "Let us go back and
visit the brothers in all the towns where we preached the word of
the Lord". It was their personal decision; they did not need
any confirmation nor additional recommendation from their church.
They had already been sent according to the guidance of the Holy
Spirit (Acts 13:1-3); this was sufficient. If the same leaders
who had sent me the year before "with much peace and
unanimously" now did no longer want to support me, then they
were themselves accountable before God for it.
I withdrew from church for an undefined time, but communicated them that I was not cancelling my membership completely. In some way I still hoped things would get in order some day. I passed the days carrying heavy buckets of concrete and of garbage left by the bricklayers, and calling upon the Lord for my life, my health, and my return to Peru.
God had his particular way of helping me. When I approached him, during this time, I did it like a little child who had been beaten up by the older children in the street, and who is now weeping and running to his mom or dad. And God comforted me better than any mother or father on earth would have been able to do it. Is not one of his names: the Comforter? He showed me his love and tenderness, and the deep compassion he felt for me. In the darkest days, his comfort was most real. Apart from the precious moments of personal communication, he arranged it also for me to find words of encouragement in the moments I most needed them. - One day I was looking for the Peruvian Consulate in order to get some informations, but the Consulate was no longer at that address. On my way back, while I was quite discouraged, I came past a church which had the following words on a poster on its outer wall:
"From the first day, and until now, and forever,
I have loved you
loved you
loved you
loved you
loved you
loved you
loved you
loved you
loved you
loved you ... "
The Lord showed me that his love for me was forever, that his
heavenly home was always open for me, and that I could always run
to this heavenly home in order to receive the comfort and
protection I needed.
"How great is your goodness, which you have stored up
for those who fear you, which you bestow in the sight of men on
those who take refuge in you. In the shelter of your presence you
hide them from the intrigues of men; in your dwelling you keep
them safe from accusing tongues." (Psalm 31:19-20)
I got to know an interdenominational ministry which celebrated
"services of restoration". Their concept was more or
less like this: "We want to offer you these services in
order to minister you, not to request or ask something from you.
We offer these services to burdened, weary, and hurt people, or
people who just long for a renewal of their spiritual life, and
give them an opportunity of taking a rest in God." This was
exactly what I needed. There the people of God gathered, not in a
church, not in an organization which put pressure on them, but
simply to meet with God the Father and to know him as he really
is. There were times of praise, but nobody was put under pressure
to "be happy". It was completely acceptable that some
people sang quietly, others clapped their hands, others danced,
others kneeled down, and others wept or sat there with a sad face
because they were overwhelmed by a difficult situation in their
life and were waiting for God touching them. There was a short
sermon which focused almost always on some aspect of God's grace
and inconditional love, and the way he edifies us, heals and
comforts us. There were opportunities for everybody to share
testimonies, words of God and prayer requests. There were times
of praying for one another, but nobody was put under pressure to
participate.
They offered also, in a limited way, sessions of personal
counselling. I attended two or three times, and these were almost
my only opportunities to talk about my problems with someone who
was not in some way involved in the oppressive system which had
caused them. In one of these sessions, with a married couple of
cousellors, she said: "Last night I had a dream and felt it
was a message for someone who would come for counselling today.
Now that I have heard your story, I think it might be for you. I
saw a person washing a lot of dirty clothes, unable to remove the
dirt. But then someone opened the drain, and all the water
disappeared and the clothes too. Then, suddenly, there was a pile
of new, white and clean clothes. - You are trying to get clean of
the dirt they have thrown after you, and are despairing because
it seems you cannot prove your innocence. You cannot get yourself
clean, but this is not necessary anyway. God will take away all
this from your life and will give you something completely
new."
A friend of many years said something similar: "People have
closed a small door before you, but God will open a large
door."
During these days, there came also a letter from the woman for whom I was waiting, saying: "Yes, I love you too, and I want to marry you." We wrote each other many letters, telling one another the whole story of our lives.
In the meantime, some Peruvians were really looking for a solution of my situation (not the church leaders from whom I had expected it, but other people). They informed me that there might be a possibility of finding a job and getting a corresponding visa. And someone wrote that an unknown pastor called "Jesuel" had asked for my address and would write me. But "Jesuel's" letter never arrived, and the other informations were not very concrete.
In one of my prayer times, seeking the Lord's guidance, the
word "England" came to my mind. Was this an idea from
God or just my own imagination? - I could go to England, improve
my English and get a certificate, and use this as a support for
getting a job in Peru. So I said: "Lord, if it is possible
to realize all this before Christmas, then I will believe that
this is your idea." (It was already October.)
I really found an English Language School which would admit me
immediately, and where I would be able to pass the exams before
Christmas. Getting to Peru was a bit more difficult. All flights
until January were already full! But the travel agent would look
for a possibility. - One week later, he called me: "Yes,
there is a possibility of getting to Peru, but you will have to
take seven different flights. And in one of these flights there
is only one seat free, so you have to decide immediately." -
It would have been much easier taking a flight in January. But I
had asked God for making it possible before Christmas. So this
was the confirmation, and I accepted immediately. Finally, there
was again a light shining on my path, and I knew that God was
still guiding me.
In England, in spite of being constantly depressed, I passed
the exams better than expected. And soon I was flying over the
Atlantic. All kinds of feelings were fighting inside me. I was
very thankful to God because finally he allowed me to return to
Peru. But there were still many questions: Where would I live?
Would I really find a job? How would the church receive me? And
what would the missionaries do?
I realized that only now I began really living by faith. During
my first year in Peru, all external affairs had been arranged for
me: my work, my wages, my visa, and a place where to live. But
now I had left behind all securities, and had yielded completely
to God's care. - In all this, the words of the pastor interfered
with my thoughts: "God will not bless you ... You will not
get to Peru." - What would happen? Would the plane crash?
Would my baggage be stolen? Would the police arrest me, like him?
- This was a real spiritual oppression, and I had to pray
constantly for liberation and protection against it.
The plane did not crash, nor did the police arrest me. I spent
three nights in different airports, lying on my suitcases and
trying to sleep. In one of these nights someone attempted to
steal a peace of my baggage, but without success. Then, Psalm 23
came to my mind: "You prepare a table before me in the
presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup
overflows."
My enemies - these were not only the thieves. These were also the
pastors and missionaries who had pronounced all kinds of
accusations and curses against me. I had to trust God that he
would prepare a table before me - in their presence.
While I was waiting for my last flight, I met the first known person: the leader of the mission I had originally wanted to work with. I do not remember exactly his words, but he said something like this: "You had faith to return, congratulations! May God bless you."
Returning to Peru was like coming home. I remembered the verse
with which I had been sent out the first time: "You will
go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands." (Isaiah 55:12)
Only a few days after my return, I was invited to a wedding in a
very private circle: there were only the bride and bridegroom,
some leaders of the church, and some of the missionaries. In a
very literal sense, God had prepared a table for me in the
presence of my enemies!
Then I got to know the mysterious "Jesuel". He was a
Brasilian missionary who had arrived exactly in those days when I
was expelled from the mission. Some leaders had told him my
story, and since then he had tried to contact me. He invited me
to attend his church and to live in his house. He said:
"Many years ago, I came to Peru and did not know anybody. I
am very thankful for the brothers and sisters who received me
then, and I think it is time for me to do the same for another
missionary."
I was completely dependant on the help of some Peruvian friends,
and of Jesuel. This had a special significance for me: Just as
Peru got used to depending on foreign countries, the Peruvian
churches got used to depending on foreign missions. But here was
I, a foreign missionary, depending on the help of Peruvian
Christians. This was, in turn, a small sign for the Peruvians
that they can be independent.
I got a job teaching English, and attended the small new
church Jesuel had founded. I was not yet ready for exercising a
spiritual ministry again, but Jesuel counselled me with much love
and helped me to recover slowly my spiritual and emotional
health.
When everything was ready for getting my visa as an employee,
Jesuel said to me: "You do not need to do this. I found out
that my church can guarantee your visa. You are called to
full-time ministry, so you do not need to be here in the quality
of an employee." - I got to know also that I was receiving
donations from friends back home. It was much less than what the
mission had paid, but it allowed me to reduce my working hours.
Most of the missionaries accepted silently my presence. But
not so the missionary woman. One day she appeared at Jesuel's
house, asking for a conversation with him alone. After some time,
he called me: "The missionary woman wants to put pressure on
me so I would no longer help you. She is accusing you of having
had love affairs with three different girls in her church. Well,
I do not believe her, since I know you already quite well. But I
told her that it is not just for her to talk about all this in
your absence, so I would like you to join us so she can repeat it
in your presence."
I entered the room, but the missionary woman was not willing to
repeat her accusations. Instead, she told us that we had to give
her my visa documents since these documents "were property
of the mission". - "How is this? These documents have
been granted to me by the Peruvian authorities. They are the only
instance who can take them away from me." - "But it is
us who have guaranteed you, and you are no longer working with
us, so you have no longer the rights of a visa." - Jesuel
interfered: "He is no longer a missionary. He has another
guarantee now." - "OK, so we will send an official
letter to the authorities, stating that we are no longer
guaranteeing him and therefore his visa is no longer valid."
- She really thought it was her duty to command not only Jesuel
and his church, but also the governmental authorities, what they
had to do.
Some weeks later, in the Association of Pastors (the local
Evangelical Alliance), pastors of the church related to the
mission began to intrigue against Jesuel. The missionary woman
did not attend these meetings, but it was not difficult to guess
who was behind it. Jesuel was accused of "stealing
sheep" from other churches. He told me that in one meeting,
they had almost expelled him from the Alliance. But another
Brasilian missionary defended him with the words: "He who
does not have anyone in his church who was formerly a member of
another church, may throw the first stone."
These months were like the time David spent in the cave of
Adullam. Several friends gathered around me, but outside was
always the threat of persecution. I prayed constantly for God's
protection. But I was paying the cost of Independence.
Independence means taking risks, renouncing to material
advantages and other securities, and trusting in what is
invisible, not in what is visible (2 Cor.4:17-18). This is the
cost of doing God's will. Jesus himself gave us the example
(Hebrews 13:10-14).
The most important thing for me in this situation was trusting
that God was on my side, and therefore, I was in a safe
place.
The date of God's promise for our marriage approached. But first we had to talk to the missionary who was currently the pastor of her church. In this conversation, we were able to clarify several things. Interestingly, the missionary had no more objections against our marriage. ¡It was a wonderful international celebration!
Slowly, I began again to assume some spiritual responsibilities. I started an evangelistic group for children and trained some members of the church for collaborating. Then I was invited by other churches for training their Sunday School teachers. This was the beginning of the development of a teacher's training course which has since been taught in many churches and several Bible Schools. Later, the Lord used my wife and me in other areas: discipleship, counselling and emotional healing, Bible teaching in general..
Meanwhile, things were not going well in the church of the
missionaries. Externally, everything looked fine, and it was
reported that "every week, new members are added to the
church" (but it was not mentioned that every week, the same
number of members abandoned the church). The missionary pastor
returned home, and there began a struggle for power among the
Peruvian leaders. The winner of this struggle was a man not
recommended by the national leaders, since they doubted about his
integrity. But the missionary woman used her influence to set him
up as the new pastor. Undoubtedly, he had two qualities: He
dominated all tricks of rhetorics - and he was the missionary
woman's "ideological twin" regarding the use, or abuse,
of power.
So the abusive system was much more strengthened. There were many
more cases of members "disciplined" and publicly put to
shame, or expelled, not for some sin they had committed, but for
daring to express an opinion different from the pastor and the
missionary woman; or for having complained about some injustice
they had suffered; so they were labeled as "rebels". On
the other hand, even the sins of fornication and adultery were
tolerated in those leaders who were "loyal" to the
pastor and the missionary woman.
The missionary woman was elected president of the mission, and
governed her fellow countrymen in the same way she governed the
church. As a result, several missionaries left the mission. (This
mission does no longer exist now.)
Tensions grew until being unsupportable. The national
leadership themselves fell under the judgment of being
"rebels", because they had pointed out several
irregularities committed by the pastor and the missionary woman
(although for fear they had not done it very openly).
But the truth could no longer be hidden. The pastor had made
arrangements for transferring property of the church's building
to his own name. And he was living in an adulterous relationship.
The missionary woman had helped to hide both sins. Pastors of
other denominations had to intervene in order to bring the truth
to the light. (Until this day, the missionary woman keeps
affirming that she did not know of nothing, but this contradicts
the testimony of the other leaders. Everybody who knew this
system from inside, knows that although the pastor seemed to
control the church, in reality the missionary woman controlled
him.)
In order to escape discipline, both of them left the church
immediately and started their own church. In order to avoid
criticism, the missionary did no longer allow the pastor to
exercise any spiritual ministry (so it was clear she controlled
him!), but she put him in charge of the financial administration
of a NGO she had founded in connection with the church. Then he
cheated her out of the money of this organization, and this ended
collaboration between them.
In the midst of all these turbulences, tragically, the pastor's wife committed suicide. SPIRITUAL ABUSE CAN KILL! - Although there are not many cases with such drastic consequences, spiritual abuse endangers always the spiritual life of victims. And we cannot underestimate the psychological damage done to many members and leaders of the church, who had been dispersonalized to such a point that they felt unworthy of expressing any personal opinion or making any decision of their own.
Some time before the crisis, the retired founder of the mission had returned to Peru. He had no intention of assuming any important responsibility, apart from counselling the younger pastors. But in this situation, he saw himself forced to assume the pastorate and to put together the pieces of the broken plates. He returned to the national leaders their authority, and made an effort to share his responsibility with other leaders. As a result, some members (accustomed to the former dictatorial leadership) commented: "We are no longer sure if the pastor is really in charge of the church or not."
Incredibly, even in the time of major oppression in that
church, sometimes I was approached by their leaders who asked me
to teach a course in their church. I used to tell them to ask the
pastor or the missionary woman about it, and then to come back.
Normally they did not come back.
But after the crisis, I thought things should be talked openly.
So the next time one of their leaders wanted to invite me, I
said: "I am sorry, but you imposed me the condition that my
church, and the mission, would approve me again. They did not yet
approve me since they got a letter from you, saying that I have a
bad testimony. Therefore I am not authorized to collaborate with
you." - "But, brother, this was years ago, and we
approve you, there is no problem." - "Maybe, but the
problem is with the church in my country. The only information
they have about me is that letter, so they will not change their
opinion." - So the leaders decided finally to write another
letter, revoking the former letter. This second letter was also
signed by the founder (and almost only representant) of the
mission. So the problem with the mission was solved, and I could
teach my first course in the church which formerly had expelled
me.
I had also planned a journey to my country. For my wife it was
the first time she got to know my home country. We visited many
friends and had several opportunities to present our ministry in
churches and small groups.
My former church was now led by the former assistant pastor and
leader of the Missions Department; so I did not feel very
encouraged to visit that church. But towards the end of our stay,
the phone rang. It was a woman of that church who supported us on
a personal basis, and was now in charge of the Missions
Department: "We would like to invite you to speak in church
in a missionary service." - "But ... will the pastor
agree?" - "Yes, it is he who told me to call you. The
former pastor has told him that if he wants to be confirmed as
Senior Pastor, he has to clarify his relationships with the
people he has offended. So he knows he has to get reconciled with
you."
We actually met with him, and he acknowledged that his past
decision about me had been wrong. I was recognised again as a
missionary of the church (although not paid through a missionary
society, but with the opportunity of presenting my ministry to
the church and receiving support from members.)
Why did I have to get through all this? Often I have asked the
Lord, but now I think I know the answer. It is very difficult, or
even impossible, to understand what an abused person feels, for
someone who did not suffer it personally.
Later, my wife and I were used by God for ministering to
emotionally wounded people; among them were several victims of
sexual abuse. I realized that their feelings were not much
different from what I felt as a victim of spiritual abuse. Both
forms of abuse produce the same psychological and emotional
consequences.
I do not want to cause the impression that "religious
leaders are bad". There are still some honest leaders and
healthy churches (although their number is decreasing). But as
the nation of Peru needs a restoration of true authority,
according to God's purpose, the Peruvian church has the same
need. Christian leaders must acknowledge and abandon the
tendencies of abusing the power God gave them; and those who do
not want to acknowledge it, must be made accountable. This is not
to "attack the leadership", on the contrary. A
leadership who gets clean of these tendencies will be more
righteous, more trustworthy, and therefore more efficient.
This is not a specifically Evangelical problem. I experienced it
in an Evangelical church because I lived and worked in that
sphere. But the same thing happens in Catholic churches, in
liberal churches, and in cults. It is the tendency of the human
"flesh" to dominate and manipulate his neighbors, and
this tendency can manifest itself in groups of every theological
inclination.
I hope that, apart from illustrating the problem, my story might also encourage those who need healing. Yes, God can and wants to heal the wounds. Many victims may still be waiting for an intervention of God, similar to the one I experienced. I want to encourage you: God has not forgotten you. He knows what you can bear with, and he will not allow you to suffer more than that. Maybe in this very moment he is already preparing a way out for you, although you cannot see it yet.
"No temptation (trial) has seized you except what is
common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be
tempted (put on trial) beyond what you can bear. But when you are
tempted (put on trial), he will also provide a way out so that
you can stand up under it. " (1 Cor.10:13)
(Note: In the original
Greek, there is no distinction between "temptation" and
"trial"; the same word is used for both. Therefore,
both translations are legitimate.)
Hijos
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